The Images That Won't Go Away

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This particular page is one that I am not even sure I should be putting up on this site... but there is no other place for me to write this. I realize that this writing makes accusations against at least one person that may or may not be true .. but from my perspective these accusations seem dead on. Also, there are some things written here that some may find disturbing but again.. I needed to write about it so I wrote it. I am not writing this foreword as any kind of apology .. but rather as more of an explanation as to why this page was put here.

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As I write this I am tired.. very tired ..and angry. What should have been over a long time ago still continues with no end in sight. I've heard of nightmarish legal battles concerning inheritance but this is far beyond anything I would have thought could be allowed to happen. My mom passed away on March 2, 1999. I am writing this on December 5, 2002 and my sister's attorney has called my brother and me in for a deposition to ask for reciepts and documents that have been turned in over a year ago ... more searching for copies of reciepts that were already turned in, more requests for documents that were turned in, and more of the same questions that were answered time and time again throughout this past year.

It has been nearly four years since my mom left this world and still probate drags on. My mom's house has been sold, I've inherited the house that my mom bought from the family when my grandmother died, I've inherited one of my mom's dogs and her cat. I started a housecleaning business which is now in it's third year of operation. I have been going to the church my mom used to go to for nearly four years now. My life has moved forward for the most part and yet I still cannot let go of my grief because it is still being thrown in my face from my sister's lawyer who seems intent on dragging this whole thing out until every penny of my sister's inheritance is in his pocket. The problem is that he wants mine and my brother's inheritance too and he is trying everything he can think of to steal it from us with frivolous lawsuits and petty accusations.

Time and time again the court has ruled against him and dispersement of the estate has been scheduled. But he keeps dragging us back into court ... over and over again. I am sick and tired of this whole thing. I just want it to end so I can finally say my good-byes and move on with my life but it's like one of those nightmares where I think I've woken up and the dream is over but then I discover that I am still dreaming and the nightmare goes on and on...

The questions aren't what bothers me ... my brother and I have nothing to hide. We have all the paperwork that has been requested - we turned it in once and we have copies we can turn in again.

What bothers me is that I still have to keep dealing with those images of that night nearly four years ago. Every time I see my mom's name listed on a court document ... every time I see the words "the estate of Brenda Huckabaa Stott" ... every time I have to go back and remember where all of my mom's things went... who got what ... which of the things that I am accused of taking belonged to my mom and which of them belonged to me but were stored at my mom's house.. every time I have to remeber my mom's house I am dragged back into the past and back to that night when I went over to my mom's house and found that she had passed away in her sleep.
I cannot adequately describe the feeling of driving up to my mom's house that night and seeing that the livingroom and kitchen lights were all off.. or what it was like when I walked in and I could just feel it ... she wasn't there anymore. I remember calling out "MOM... MOM..!!!???" but no answer. I still remember running into the living room which was dimly lit by the mantle lights and the big screen tv which was showing nothing but an eerie dark picture of snowy static. My mom was laying on the couch where she always used to sleep ... but she wasn't asleep... I could feel it. I tried to wake her up ... I kept calling her and shaking her ... I knew she was gone but somehow I was hoping by calling her she might somehow come back. I didn't want to believe she was dead .. I didn't let myself believe it because she was still slightly warm. But I knew and finally I could trick myself no longer. I felt so alone ... finally I just stood in the center of the room screaming wanting somebody to hear me .. wanting somebody to come tell me what to do. But nobody heard and finally I stopped screaming and just stood there crying.
It was then that I heard a voice ...calling from somewhere.. echoing into my mind. It was my mom's voice telling me, "Mary, call 911 .. Mary, listen to me .. you have to call 911."
I didn't want to listen at first, all I wanted was some kind of rewind button or anything to bring my mom back but finally the voice got through to me and I made the call.
It wasn't long before the house was full of people. The paramedics arrived first to write the report. Then my boyfriend (who noticed the peaceful smile on my mom's face), then one of my aunts and uncles arived. Soon most of the people from my mom's church and several of her other friends, then the rest of my family that lived close by were there. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the coroner came to take my mom's body away.
I've never felt so lonely in my life. My mom and I were very close and I used to go over to her house every night to help with the housework, run errands for her, have dinner with her, and just visit. It's not that my mom couldn't do most of these things for herself - I mean, she was only 52. But she hated doing housework and she had problems with her hips and knees so she couldn't always get out to feed her dogs. So I was there nearly every night. But now she was gone and it seemed like half of my life had been ripped away from me.

The images still hang in my mind as if it were only yesterday. Images that I want to let go of but cannot until this whole thing with probate is put to rest once and for all.

But it doesn't appear that this will be anytime soon and I am so angry that this could be allowed to drag on and on for nearly four years when there is nothing more to say that has not already been said.. .no questions left to answer that have not already been answered ... and no reciepts or documents to turn in that have not already been turned in and examined over and over again.

I pray that one of these days I can look back on this time and be glad that I got through it ... I pray that one day I can let the images of that night slip away and rest peacefully along with my mom.

I still miss you mom

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