Random Thoughts As The Year Fades Away


It's 10:25pm on December 31st as I write this. I have been extremely depressed all day and it doesn't look like this feeling is going to let up. Normally I spend time reading the Bible and praying when I feel this way but right now I feel almost paralyzed by the depression. I felt I needed to write but I couldn't focus on my notebook. Instead I found myself staring blankly at the computer screen as I went from website to website until finally I came here.

It's difficult to focus or concentrate on what I'm writing so I am not sure what's going to come out on this page. Not too sure I really care at this point. Just trying to find some sort of outlet ... something to hold on to.

I'm going through a lot right now ... but nothing I care to talk about here .. but the various things going on in my life have left me scared, angry, and empty. Last night I prayed but still felt so empty...

There are times when God will speak to you and then be silent for an extended period of time...

There was a time when I felt God's presence in my life so strong... but now He is silent and has been for a while. Maybe I've forgotten how to listen. It feels like He is so distant and I am so alone.

When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you; And when you pass through the rivers, they will
Not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire,
You will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD, your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior-
Isaiah 43:2-3

I know He is with me... I have to have faith.

There's a light coming from somewhere - or there wouldn't be so many shadows.

I don't want this year to end... time has passed by way to quickly this year... it can't be over yet. This is not a night for 'Happy New Year'. I just want to hide somewhere safe and secure where the time doesn't pass and the pressures of this world cannot close in. I want to feel God's presence again.. this distance feels so cold. So unforgiving. So frightening. I feel like I am alone with the images of the past flooding my mind. Past New Year's Eve's in this house safe and secure with my cousins and I staying up all night then running outside yelling 'Happy New Year' .. the next morning everybody up early to watch the Rose Parade on tv while my grandmother made breakfast. But then my cousins and I grew up and quit spending the weekends and New Year's Eve over here. Then Grandma got sick and since I lived here I got to watch her get sicker and weaker. Then came the strokes and we all had to take care of her. I hated that time and I hated myself for crumbling under the pressure and being so short tempered. I miss her so much. My grandmother was a beautiful human being. Seeing her go downhill like that was too much for me. Sometimes I had to fight just to get myself out of bed .. I didn't want to get up and face another day seeing her like that. I'm not good caregiver material and, although my mom usually came over to get my grandmother up in the mornings and then came back to put her to bed, I had to take care of her at night and much of the time during the day. My mom had so much going on with the lawsuit over my dad's death (my dad died just a year before my grandmother had the big stroke) that she couldn't be here because she was stuck dealing with that. Court dates .. listening to others put down my dad.. listening to the details of his death and coroners reports. I don't know how my mom got through it -- especially after my grandmother had the stroke.

I wish I could give my mom a big hug and tell her how sorry I am for not seeing what she was going through. I was too overloaded with the death of my dad, taking care of my grandmother and dealing with drug addiction to be able to cope with the pressure I was going through much less to take a look outside myself to see what anybody else was going through. I wish I could give my grandmother a big hug and tell here how sorry I am for not being more compassionate. I just wanted so bad for her to just get well.. I didn't want to let myself realize that she wasn't going to get well. Grandma couldn't die.. but she did. Two years after my dad died.

Everything was different after that.. things spun out of control. I spent a lot of time up at my mom's house doing her housework and running errands. Usually she was at bingo when I was there. During that time period I liked the solitude when she was gone. There were periods of time that I wouldn't even talk to another human being for days at a time.. I would get up late in the afternoon then leave here after my mom had already left her house for bingo then spend several hours at her house then leave before she got back and get here to what might as well have been an empty house because my boyfriend spent all of his time in his room. New Year's Eve was always lonely during that period of about 4 or 5 years. Even though I wasn't so isolated after the first two years or so, I would still be pretty much alone when the clock struck 12 on New Year's Eve. No celebration for me. I would sometimes stay outside with my Casey and Bruno until the noise died down then leave for home. Sometimes my mom and I would have pizza and celebrate but we never really went anywhere for New Year's Eve. My boyfriend and I were going through a very difficult time back then so we didn't really go out much at all. We never had any money to go out. That period was a very bad time for us. It's still kind of foggy in my memory. Things eventually did get better but I still never felt any desire to celebrate when the old year was over.

I hate New Years Eve now ... it's just another day that I wish would go away. Happy New Year .. big deal. What's so happy about it??!! Nothing changes except the date on the calender ... the problems are still there.. the haunting memories are still there... the pressures of this world are still there along with the new pressures of all the bills that come around the beginning of the yeare and then tax time.

What's worse is when the clock stikes 12:00 tonight, all hell breaks loose and all my animals get frightened so I have to stay up late even though I have to work early in the morning. No, I do not take New Year's Day off... I mean, why should I?? If the customers are willing to have us work then I am more than happy to work. It keeps me from having to go deal with pressure from my roommate to go out and 'celebrate'.

Looking back at what I've just written I feel like the 'scrooge' of New Year's Eve. Maybe the three spirits of New Year's Eve will come visit me tonight and try to change me.

Actually what I would pray for is God's presence in my life.. I am so sick of feeling so alone and scared. I am so sick of this crap I am going through. I just want to know that everything will be okay but the New Year doesn't make any promise of being a good year. There is no light at the end of the tunnel as midnight approaches. Only the same feelings of emptyness and fear. Happy New Year? No... only the sad fact that time is passing all to quickly and nothing seems to have changed for the better.

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