This is a very type of writing for me because I was typing as the memories flooded into my mind but not really conscious of what I was writing until I was finished. It's very difficult to describe the state of mind I was in while I was listening to the song that I talk about in this entry.... I was extremely depressed when the song first started playing but the depression soon turned into a sort of daydream of going back to a time when I used to listen to this song .. .from there I sort of skip between the past and the present as I visit my parents house in the daydream like state that the song put me into. I've never attempted to write when I have been in this state of mind but it was very interesting to go back and read this page after I was finished. By the way, the song I was listening to as I wrote this is "Destination" by The Church.


Memories


Its amazing how a song can bring back memories so powerful that it almost feels like it could rip my soul apart. I started to play a song to see if I wanted to put it on my mp3 player ... and I almost stopped it after the first few seconds but then I forced myself to listen to the sounds filtering through the speakers and into the depths of my heart and mind.

I used to listen to this song when I was about 21 and still living at my parents house. I remember putting this tape in the stereo when I was alone in the house. My mom had gone to stay with my dad who was working out of town. My dad worked drilling water wells and the company he worked for made him work out of town most of the time. He parked a trailer on the job site at when he worked out of town and stayed at there on the weekends as a sort of security guard. My mom used to go stay with him on the weekends .. it was the only time they really got to spend together. On the weekends that she went to stay with him, I had the house to myself which wasn't something I particularly liked at this house. Even when I had friends come over to watch videos on Friday and Saturday nights this house seemed so lonely. Several people (myself included) thought the house had a very spooky - almost haunted feeling about it. I never really liked that house although I almost wound up inheriting it.

Now, as I listen to the familiar mournful sounding guitar on this song, it all comes back .... I'm laying on the bed in my room listening to the music .. staring blankly through my open bedroom door into the livingroom. The late afternoon sun filtering through the curtains in the big dark dining room on the other side of the livingroom casts eerie shadows on the gold carpet... it gives this whole area of the house an almost spooky feeling. The music fits the mood all too well. Even though it is still bright outside, this part of the house feels kind of dark without the lights on.
With the music still playing, I wander into the small hallway between my room and my parents room. This dark little hallway is more like a tiny room with doors on all four sides... my bedroom door is directly across from the door to my parents room and on one side is the door to the linen closet. Directly across from that is the door to the master bathroom.
The light doesn't reach this part of the house too well. My parents room almost dark with only the hint of light coming through the heavy white curtain that covers the only window in the room. The darkness gives this room a sort of haunted feeling sometimes. This room is more like two rooms and my parents bed is in the back part of the room ... kind of looks like it's in the back of a large cave. The front part of the room is wide open with the dresser being on the far wall and the center of the room being completely empty.
I wish my mom and dad were here. Even this part of the house didn't seem so empty when my dad was alive. When we first moved in here, my dad used to come in and turn the lamp on by his side of the bed and read for a while before going to sleep. That was the only time this room ever seemed bright.
This place was always a happy place when my dad was alive. I remember coming over here to clean house for my mom after I had moved in with my grandmother who needed somebody to live with her. I would work my shift at the arcade then come over to work a couple of hours cleaning house for my mom. I remember coming in the back door and hearing the sounds of the nintendo in the livingroom. My mom loved to play Dr. Mario. Sometimes I would take a few minutes and play too before I would start working on the house. I remember having to keep quiet when my dad would call because my mom didn't want him to know that she was paying me to clean the house for her. I always felt sad driving back to my grandmothers house afterward because I would find myself wishing that I still lived there... it was like leaving home to go back to a place that I still didn't quite feel at home in even though I had spent much of my time growing up in my grandmothers house.
This room seems so empty now. My mom quit sleeping in here after my dad died. Now she just sleeps on the couch. This whole room has become so piled up with clothes and boxes in the center of the room ... my mom never really bothered to clean any of it up - - the funny thing about it was that she knew where everything was in this house even though it seemed that it would be impossible to find anything in the clutter. But it was home to her.
The song comes to an end and I restart it as go back into the little hallway and into the master bathroom. This bathroom is huge. The big mirror behind the jacuzzi makes the place look even bigger. So do the mirrors behind the sink and on the four door medicine cabinet. I used to love the way the lights above the mirror behind the one sink and medicine cabinets made this room feel. There are also bright florescent lights but, when I got into the jacuzzi, I sometimes like using just the lights over the mirrors. When we first moved into this house, one of my favorite things was the jacuzzi. I used to love to read a book while soaked in the whirling bubbles. The jacuzzi was used a lot when we first moved in but, after I moved out of the house, I only got one or two chances to use it. It quit working about a year or two after my dad died. When I started coming over everynight to clean my mom's house, I noticed that it was only half-filled and it was filthy. My mom finally had me clean it out so she could use it but, I suspect that her knees were getting too bad by that time and she was afraid to get into it because there was a chance she would have trouble getting out. I also noticed a smell of natural gas coming from the little fenced in room outside of the house. After my mom died, my brother found out that there was a gas leak and that the jacuzzi would need a lot of work before it could ever be used again. The jacuzzi sits empty now. If my dad were still here it would be working.
The song ends again as I leave the master bathroom and go back to my own room to restart it. It feels to dark in this part of the house now so I go into the living room and turn on the light. The living room light is a big chandelier that hangs kind of low between my mom's chair and my dad's chair. My mom used to say that this light let her know everything that was going on in the house. It gets dim when any of the appliances turn on.
The livingroom feels so empty even with the big screen tv on. Nickelodeon is always fun to watch even though I not a kid amymore. I remember watching things like Turkey Television late at night when my parents weren't home and the house felt so empty. The tv always helps me feel a little less spooked in this house. But now it's not really helping because of the music.
My mom's super nintendo is in the middle of the floor where it always was when she played. She got the super nintendo after my dad died. She doesn't play Dr. Mario any more. Now she plays ZOOP. I can't believe how good she is at that game. I got the game for her for Christmas .. actually I had gotten her one of those small grills that's supposed to drain the fat from the food as it cooks but, one of her friends had bought her the same thing. So we took the one I got her back to the store and I bought the game for her instead. It turned out to be one of the best presents I could have bought her.
Now, as I look at her empty chair, it makes this place so empty. I sit down in my dad's chair for a minute and look over at the mantle above the fireplace. My mom has some beautiful music boxes... well, more like music sculptures. They're all animated. One of them looks a little like my dad .. that's why my mom got it. The fireplace is dark and empty. It hasn't been used for years. My mom quit using it after one of the earthquakes .. she was afraid that it was no longer safe to use and I think she's probably right.
The little table between my mom's chair and my dad's chair is always such a mess. My mom's water glass sits empty on one of the dark green square coasters. I can't help but feel like I should refill it for her ... but....
I swallow the lump in my throat and get up from my dad's chair. The song has stopped again and I restart it. Tears fill my eyes as I leave the livingroom and go into the big dining room.
We almost never eat in here. The chandelier isn't that bright so the room always feels dark. My parents bought a really nice dining room set when we first moved in here. My mom also insisted on getting a nice china hutch for all her crystal and china. It's not very big though but adds a nice touch to the room. Still this room feels dark and empty. The only times I remember it feeling warm and bright were on Thanksgiving when we would invite my grandmother and my brother over and have dinner here. But then my grandmother's health got to the point where it kept her from being able to come over anymore so we started taking the dinner to her. But, after my dad and my grandmother died, Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners were always eaten in the livingroom so the dining room was hardly ever used.
I wander into the guest bedroom. This room isn't used much, except when people visit. Although it was used a lot when my mom set up her first computer in here. Then we were in here nearly everynight until the computer was moved into what used to be my room where we could connect a phone line to the computer. The room is empty now. The furniture is dusty and it looks more like a storage room. I close the door and go back into the dining room.
I don't like being in this room when nobody else is here so now I wander into the kitchen as the song restarts. I look out the window over the sink. The last of the daylight is fading behind the trees next door. I usually keep the lights on in the kitchen and the entryway by the back door when I am alone. My mom and dad like to keep the lights off unless they are needed but I get a little spooked when I am alone in this house so the kitchen light goes on now. Even with the kitchen light on the small dining nook looks dark so I turn on that light too.
We used to eat dinner in here all the time when we first moved here. But after a while we just ate in the living room all the time. The table is now mostly used as my mom's laundry table.
I turn around to look into the pantry/laundry room which is just off the side of the dining nook. There is no door .. just a big doorway into the tiny room. There shelves on all three sides. I can't believe how much stuff is stored in this little room. The shelves over the washer and dryer and on the back are more like utility shelves while the shelves on the on the other side are filled with food.
I look back at the cuttered table where we always used to eat. Seeing it like this makes me sad as I remember how I used to eat in here with my mom and dad. Now it is all cluttered with laundry and houseplants. I leave the light on as I go back into the kitchen.
The counters are always filled with different bags of chips, cookies, and other things that my mom is always buying for us to snack on. My dad always likes things like snack cakes in his lunchbox .. that is when he isn't working out of town. The big refrigerator seems almost lifeless as I look over at it. My mom got this refrigerator before I was two years old and it didn't die until was I thirty years old. My mom had such a hard time finding the right refrigerator to replace it. I turn away and head out the back door.
I find myself on the patio torn between the time period when I lived here with my parents and thinking about things changed when my dad died. The place always seemed so empty after my dad died. But some of my best memories are from the times after he died when I used to come over here every night and visit my mom and clean house for her. She liked to go out almost every night to play bingo the first year or two I started coming over every night to do her housework. Then she went a cross country trip in her car and I spent most of that time sort of housesitting while I repainted one of her bathrooms and took care of the dogs for her. I find myself remembering how bad those times were for me because of some of the problems I was having in my life and how difficult it was trying to hide those problems from my mom.
As the song ends I wander back into the house. It's dark outside now and I turn on the light in the entryway. I find myself looking around the empty house remembering how things changed during the last two years my mom was alive. She no longer went to bingo every night. Instead, we used to go to the casino together a lot after I was done with my work here. These were the times when I used to like watching the owls. But, on the nights when we were going to go to the casino, I used to go out to my music room for a few minutes after my work was done. I would play my synthesizers until I heard my mom's car drive up outside the shed. Then I would hurry up to turn everything off and race outside to the car.
But those times didn't last long .. especially after my mom got the computer. During the last few months my mom was alive, we only went to the casino once or twice a week. Mostly, this was my fault because I got hooked on the computer and didn't want to go as often as I used to. But we still had fun when we went.
My mom's bingo bag still sits on the barstool where she always leaves it. I can't help but look through it one last time to find the good luck buttons I made for her. So many different colors of bingo bottles, bingo chips, and other things. This bag is so full that I wonder how she is able to carry this thing. Her purse sits on the chair next to the barstool but I never go through her purse. The only time I did go through her purse was after she died and, even then, it felt so wrong to be going through my mom's purse. I couldn't help but think that she was going to be so mad at me if I messed anything up.
Finally, I make one farewell trip through the house. I can't help but reach over and turn my stereo and my light off before I leave my bedroom. But, I leave the tv and all the other lights on as I wander through the house to the back door.
Now, in silence, I find myself standing on the patio of my mom's house staring out into an empty back yard. The dogs are gone. The fenced in pool yard is empty .... the cars are gone from the backyard. I turn to look at a dark empty house before my mind slips back into the present and the words I am writing seem to appear for the first time in front of my eyes.

It's strange how memories can come back so strong. I miss those times I spent with my mom and dad so much but, I am happy to be back in the present. Sometimes memories can be so lonely.....


Back To Reflections