An Introduction


I used to keep a notebook with me at all times so I could write down whatever was on my mind whenever I felt like it. Mostly during slow times at work or while I was in waiting rooms or just had a few minutes to spare. Writing, along with playing keyboards, was one of my outlets.

I quit writing for a long time when my mom passed away. For some reason it became very difficult to pick up the notebook and almost impossible to write in it once it was open. I also stopped playing the keyboards. It seemed that everytime I got near one of the synthesizers I would just feel tired... almost as if I couldn't keep my eyes open. So I gave up. The only time I go near one of the keyboards is on the rare occasions when I need to learn something to play at my church .. other than that I just don't play anymore.

But things get bottled up when there's no outlet. Just like a pond when there are no streams feeding new water in and no outlets for the old water to escape, everything stagnates and gets cloudy. Everything within me seemed to slowly grind to a standstill - cluttered up by the stagnation and lack of escape. All the feelings I held inside began to turn against me until I felt like I was being choked by the built up emotions I had been running from. Finally, I had to let it out in other ways. But sometimes the other ways became self-destructive and, once again, the built up emotions began to turn me against myself.

Which brings me here.. I have finally allowed myself an outlet..

"I miss the synthesizers... I miss my notebook. Someday I will open the notebook again ... someday I will play the keyboards again... it may take a while but I know I cannot avoid myself forever. Until then I will do my writing here." - - 2001

When I first started this section, I had quit writing in my notebook and had made an unconcious decision to quit playing the keyboards for good. Thank God that I realized what a mistake it was to walk away from my writing and my music. I have started writing in my notebook again and I have started playing the keyboards again.

While some of the stuff I wrote in the section early on was basically either very restrained or just an edited outburst of pure anger, I am back again to writing the way I am used to writing. I used to let the fact that other people can read what I post here hold me back. That has changed now. I am much more comfortable writing here than I used to be and, I guess, I am much more myself as well.

When I first created reflections, I had only intended to do my writing here until I could make myself go back to my notebook. But now I have decided that, even though I'm back to writing in my notebook, I will continue to write here also.

It is still true that pages I write here may seem all too personal - and maybe they are but this is just me. It is also still true that anybody reading these pages may find themselves getting to know more about me than some of my closest friends - - maybe more with the stuff I write now than ever before.


Welcome to my reflections.




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